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The Prayer

Before you start reading this is not going be religious at TF all, that is not who I am and not who I will ever be. This is a realistic and sane take on manifestation. After posting a very public HBD to my at the time kinda-secret kinda-not lover, I was asked one question over and over again, “what was the prayer?”

First of all, I don’t think that surface level things should be considered any type of goal at all. I could have posted anything, people tend to paint pictures of what they think things are based only on the information people choose to share, thats not realistic at all. So I am going to be very candid about all of this, I DO NOT PRAY, never have. I see no need in spewing out words of wants into the air hoping that someone out there hears me and answers my calls. I am intentional, I am spiritual, I am intuitive. So here is the tea…

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1. ADMITTING MY FAILURES

When my last relationship ended late 2019, I realized that there was something I was doing wrong, at that point I wasn’t sure what but I was tired of finding reasons to place all of the blame on the other person. I was ready to sit with myself, ask the hard questions and find some accountability. I had some fault in these failures, because even though all the relationships ended, they ended for different reasons, some bad, some not bad at all. There was one common denominator … me.

What the fuck was I doing wrong? So I started to take stock in the similarities in all the relationships I had been in and I noticed one thing. I was constantly looking for someone to pour in to and telling them that I needed nothing, I had fooled myself into believing it too. Then when I got nothing (even though its what I requested) I felt empty, used, unwanted and bored. All of those things lead me to some degree of depression, which also lead to me not taking care of myself at all. That reflected in my work, my environment and my appearance. There was nothing attractive about me anymore, I lost interest and so did they. Now if you ask them, I’m sure they have their own version of what went wrong, I can only speak for me. Whatever it was, I was ready to fix it.

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2. PACKING LIGHT

For ten plus years I had been carrying around a lot of baggage from all of the verbal, mental and physical abuse I had experienced in my past. No matter how good you may think something is, it can be indirectly ruined by the residual effects of past pain and suffering. It was just a lot of shit that I knew I needed to let go. I even went as far as hearing out my abuser, granted it was a waste of time, but after so many years had passed listening to the underdeveloped person trying to explain the reason for causing my pain was annoying as fuck. Not because I felt any old feelings but because I kept asking myself how I could let THIS PERSON take up so much space in my head for so long, I was ashamed. Then to hear how life had treated her since then, I just said to myself, there is nothing more for me to do or think about her, it’s handled.

That was my first real step in the right direction. I realized that the people that I had given power over me just weren’t even on my level or worth that kind of importance in my life. Yes that pain was real when it happened, but I was tired of reminding myself how it felt. I accepted the fact that it went on so long because of my choice to allow it, and I washed my hands of it. I haven’t talked about it since. For the first, time in 10 years I wasn’t using old pain as a reference. I consolidated my baggage and moved the hell on.

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3. FINDING ME AGAIN

Truth is I lost sight of myself a long time ago, I didn’t feel beautiful, I didn’t feel loved, I just didn’t feel. I think I was on the brink of giving up on myself. That is not a place I ever wanted to be again. So I started to force myself back out of my shell, it started with posting photos of my body once a day for like 100 days straight. That helped a lot, all the compliments helped me realize, ok you might not be that bad. I wasn’t looking for validation from anyone but myself but hearing it from strangers and friends definitely gave me a boost. During this time I also decided that I was going to date, and I meant just that, no exclusivity, just me getting to know as many different people as I wanted to. Being a serial monogamist that shit was hard at first but it got easier to navigate.

All-though I was getting to know a few people, I decided that as much as I loved sex, it just needed to be taken off the table, I slipped up once during the year I was celibate but … playas fuck up lol. I also noticed that there were some people in my life that I needed to remove, I didn’t know how because there wasn’t any bad blood, but I knew I couldn’t keep holding on to old things and making room for new ones at the same time. It was a long process and it honestly didn’t go as smoothly as I would have liked, but that is neither here nor there.

Getting to know different women, on different levels really helped me get to know myself. I wasn’t in a rush to settle for any of them if I am being honest. I started to form a list of things that I knew I wanted and needed and another list of shit I just refused to deal with moving forward. This was the best thing I could have ever done, because I finally had a very specific list of non-negotiables. I had standards before but if I am being honest y’all, the bar was on the floor.

Another thing that happened during this time was people started to show me who they were very quickly, and not in a good way. I noticed that when you start to take yourself seriously and carry yourself like you know what you want people will try to sway you. I was not feeling that at all and after a period of time I CUT EVERYBODY OFF. It wasn’t as lonely as I thought because I really started to enjoy my own company, I was horny … but I mean when am I not.

4. THE LIST

When I started to approach 365 days of being single, I was over it … like I do not like the single life at all. But I also wasn’t in a rush just to pick anybody. I wanted to lead with intention this time. I wasn’t looking for who I wanted, I was looking for what I want, but honestly I wasn’t looking at all. I decided to make a list of things I refuse to overlook this time around:

  1. Someone who doesn’t need me, but wants me because that is the energy that I would be bringing to the table.
  2. Someone with goals and ambition.
  3. Someone who chooses me everyday, even the bad days.
  4. Someone creative, I just wanted to experience being someones muse and them mine.
  5. Someone straight-forward, I had spent too much time with people that couldn’t be honest or didn’t know how to say what they wanted from me.
  6. Someone who can make me laugh, cry, smile, just feel all the emotions.
  7. Someone who wants to live the type of life I want to live.
  8. Someone who is already complete on their own, I wanted them to be an addition, not a crutch and vice versa.
  9. Someone who sees things in me that I don’t see in myself because I had spent so much time pouring into others that I wanted to know how it felt.
  10. Someone that gives as much as I do.
  11. Someone that matched me sexually.
  12. Someone that made me want to tear down all my walls.
  13. Someone with a career.
  14. Someone that thinks how I think.
  15. Someone dominant.
  16. Someone that pays attention to me just as much as I pay attention to them.
  17. SOMEONE TALL.
  18. Someone who felt comfortable loving me out loud, and not just for strangers and social media, but around family.
  19. Someone that wanted to do more than just be in the house with me.
  20. Someone that thinks I am worth the world and wants to give it to me (because I am willing to do the same).
  21. Someone that I didn’t have to ask for things sexually, they just naturally fit into all my kinks.
  22. Someone attractive (I mean I am shallow and I don’t care).
  23. Someone intellectual and artistic.
  24. Someone that knows how to have fun.
  25. Someone that shares a love for travel, marriage, family and loyalty.

Like I said the list was very fucking specific and I told the universe that I wasn’t settling for anything less than that and I meant that shit. I just got tired of wasting time with people that sorta fit into what I wanted but not enough for me to care to fight to make it work. And let me tell you, I sat that list to the side and continued to live life and take each day for what it was. No expectations, just me living life and savoring every moment of it.

5. TAKEN BY SURPRISE

It’s no lie when they say things don’t come until you stop looking. I had settled into my freedom and singleness a little bit and yeah I was carefree to the point where I was ready to fuck and fuck a lot. I felt no way about it, I was living life and that was just going to a part of the fun of discovering this newfound sense of self. Then here comes this person, I was intrigued, not unfamiliar with but for some reason just started to notice a lot more. There’s flirting and what I think is harmless interactions … I was tricked lol. I had no clue what her intentions were, other than her being completely honest about wanting to fuck and thats exactly what I wanted to do. So I see what I think is an opportunity (a trap is what it was) to open up the lines of communication to get some balls rolling.

I give her my number to play some iMessage games, we played ONE and from there she proceeded to be very direct and that turned me on. Instead of me chasing this time, someone was trying to get to know me, I didn’t think much of it, I tried to keep it lite. A little time passes, a few more conversations are had, we discuss her coming to see me, she comes. We enjoy each other, we start to actually talk, I see that her head isn’t where I thought it was, I am even more intrigued internally. We start to discuss intentions … well she did I didn’t say anything. I just wanted to see where her head was at. The sex was … man listen she checked off some things on my list in those few days. She leaves.

I was thinking well that was cute, guess I’ll find something else to do now, but the conversations continue. I start to see that this wasn’t a passing interaction for her and as much as I wanted to act like it was for me , it wasn’t. Now plans are made for me to go see her. I fly to where she is and meet her family, see her in her element. We discussed prior about not playing with each other and forming something serious, I told her lets wait until after this trip. IDK, while I was there I felt comfortable, I felt at home. She was honest about her real intentions and my mind was blown a little because here she is checking more things off my list. I think the days I spent with her in her home really just checked everything off my list to be honest.

She is so many things, more than just attractive (she’s fine as hell), everything on that list she is. So many little details about her have taken up space in my head … how does a human like this exist? She can sing, play basketball, skate, solve a rubix cube with one hand (that shit got me wet and I don’t care what y’all think), play the piano, she’s creative, she’s intelligent, she’s unbothered, she’s TALL, she doesn’t let a day pass without telling me how beautiful I am to her. She doesn’t allow me to talk down about myself. She is way more straight-forward that I am and speaks with intention. It just so much I could sit here and type all day. Long story short, everything that I wanted … she is that.

CONCLUSION

There is no need for prayer when it comes to manifesting your person, just take the time you need to fix yourself and the moment you have completed that, learned your lessons, started to love yourself, completed yourself … they will come. She came out of nowhere and I don’t see myself letting her go. My prayer was my self-care, simple as that.

Comments

  • reply
    Sha

    Love your site and how you’re willing to share parts of yourself with the world. You’re very creative … I’ve been searching for months trying to figure a way do make a sweatshirt or hoodie like you did for yours. I gave up lol

    October 1, 2020
  • reply
    Bang

    I love how open and vulnerable you are in this writing. it allowed myself to connect with someone that also was going through the same thing I was and I could relate to everything you said. i’m sleeping happy for you Saudia.

    October 1, 2020
  • reply
    Elle

    This was beautiful, thanks for opening up and sharing with the public

    October 1, 2020
  • reply
    Jae

    Your story was very enlightening, inspiring, and note-taking worthy ! Notes taken were simply accept the pains in life , turn it into a lesson, learn to hold yourself accountable and love yourself consistently. Finally to be intentional mentally and physically. thank you for sharing . You’ve got a fan in me congrats on love and clarity I wish you all plentiful blessings !

    October 14, 2020
  • reply

    This was a great read. I’m currently depressed about a break up and trying to process it healthily after the year I’ve had. Also don’t won’t to give up on love and trust. So Thank you for sharing 🤍

    April 14, 2021

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